"While you were sleeping, on your brother I was creeping"

Those are just some of the lines from an epically bad rap, written by Valerie and inspired by the 1995 film While You Were Sleeping. If you'd like to hear more of that rap, start getting her drunk like right now. If you'd like to hear special guest Heather Hooks delight the ever-loving shit out of us, start listening like RIGHT NOW.

Chev Chelios may never be a bride. He may never land the DeLauer Diamond or Gulden's Mustard accounts. Chev may never stand on the pitcher's mound of a high school baseball field waiting to be kissed in front of the entire student body. Chev Chelios may never do any of these things thanks to that back-stabbing bitch, Ricky Verona. Oh, and also, Chev may die or something, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, I don't think they'll be friends again. Join Helen and Valerie as they are joined by 'The Matts' [both of them!] for a head scratching look inside "the other kind of date movie". Hint, it's a light flow day.

What is there to say about Bridget Jones that we haven't already said? It looks like a lot. Please join us for our last over-long discussion of our fierce friend. 
2016's Baby has taken full advantage of its generous gestation period and presents a noticeably grown-up film while still offering moments of pleasant predictability. 

A lot has changed since Jane Eyre: An Autobiography was first published. Foremost, women are less likely to publish work under a man’s name for fear of facing discrimination (although I imagine this still occurs). 

But one thing has not changed, women still love men who are hiding other women in their attics. <— definitely not true. I made that up. 

This podcast, while “small and plain” is still very spirited and not actually small at all (read: too long). 

Reader, we have a lot to say about the 2011 Jane Eyre.

If you like listening to or haven't listened to enough tendentious podcasts about the 2016 Ghostbusters reboot—then this episode is for you. 
Two sisters who've never been criticized for being "too funny" discuss a film that's actually been criticized for being "too funny". 

Nostalgia kills: a talking point for a lot of current issues but also an appropriate sentiment for episode 19: Jem and the Holograms (2015). Buttholes like me (Valerie) who were so precious about a cartoon they watched while still sporting their milk teeth, sized this film up and cut it down—sight unseen. My generation's refusal to embrace this re-imagining shut Jem out of the theater after just two weeks. Once I decided not to see it I never thought about it again, but that was not the case for many people who vilified talented director Jon M. Chu and spewed unjustifiable hatred and vitriol in all corners of the internet. Fortunately I pulled my head out of my ass long enough to look around and see a path less followed. Saved was I from sitting on a porch with Clint Eastwood, smoking that wacky "when I was a kid" pipe—and I watched Jem and the Holograms. —Guys, it was truly, truly, truly outrageous— We hope you'll watch it too (at minimum listen to the soundtrack). This film is chock full of inspiring female power and it rocks too. Yeah, it's different...it's been repackaged for a new audience. Don't we want to share our hero Jem with tomorrow's female rebels? More importantly we want a sequel and we need your help! Tell Jon M. Chu, tell Hasbro, tell your friends, tell my friends, use the hashtag #wearethemisfits

As I uploaded the episode I couldn't help but wonder, will anybody listen? If they do listen, will they be surprised the episode is shorter than the running time of the movie? Across town Helen was getting a surprise of her own; the details of which I'm uniformed. I expect she'll tell me at brunch. What I do know is this, Matt flew coach with one of stars of Sex and the City. Who? You'll have to listen to find out.
I've gotta run, Aidan is here to strip my floors. 

Sweet Cheesus! Are you asking yourself "Did Helen and Valerie really watch the Christian Mingle movie"? The answer is yes—we watched it twice. If you're Christ-curious and want to pretend that you've watched it, simply listen to this episode. Take a leap of faith that we're probably more entertaining than the *actual film. *no actual film's feelings were hurt in the description of this podcast

Happy 20th Birthday to The Craft. Sisters Helen and Valerie delight in discussing this "coming of mage" film. Nancy, however, is sorry that Chris won't be around for the discussion. Don't be like Chris.

Matt Damon has been quoted saying, "A friend of mine said there are only three good sequels, The New Testament is better than the Old, Huck Finn is better than Tom Sawyer, and Godfather II is better than The Godfather."

Edge of Reason is definitely not Godfather II and also, did I really just quote Matt Damon quoting someone? I guess this means we don't have to watch Jason Bourne [probably going to anyway].

In this v.v. complicated sequel, and to the detriment of the film, Bridget spends more time being humiliated than she spends making diary entries. Mark Darcy is ever stalwart and Daniel Cleaver is...wait, why is he here?

Helen and Valerie both agree that Edge of Reason should have resumed one whole year later but, as usual, no one consulted us.

When the weather is hot and you just can't find the time to get together with your sister to talk for 2 hours about a Renée Zellweger movie, that means...

...it's time to enhance/undermine the previous 12 episodes (and one minisode) with a special clip show!

We've swept the snippets up from our cutting room floor, and you, dear listener, are our dustbin. You're welcome. We're sorry.

Fellas, grab your watermelons; ladies, shake your maracas; college boys, put your pickles on everyone's plates; AND for crying out loud Baby, don't step on the one!

Helen and Valerie shave 2 hours off of their Dirty Dancing discussion only to be left with --- 2 more hours?!?!  
 
So let's join in just one last chorus,
Listeners, Matts and guests.
What we've shared won't be forgotten,
Podcasts are the best!

We're super into you. As such, we've been taking this relationship slow. We waited seven episodes to introduce you to our mother and now, after ten episodes, we're inviting you to a wedding.
If you had $6,000 for every time we dragged you to a wedding, you'd have $6,000. But maybe you'd fall in love with us? Maybe you'd miss us, even if we never met? Maybe you'd give the money back, like Nick Mercer does. Follow along and find out what kind of wedding date you are. 
*Featuring our special plus-one, Frances Chang

Cut your hair, grab your bag, and come along with us on a 2 hour adventure to South Port, North Carolina where young, white people fall in love. Helen and Valerie spoil the double plot twist in this surprisingly fun lady thriller adapted from, I can’t believe it, a Nicholas Sparks novel.
Third plot twist, we loved it!

A bonkers prequel to True Detective season 1. Helen and Valerie explore what drove Rust Cohle so damn crazy. #AskAHelen 

Mandy Ingber stars as a coy, unfunky teen whose best friend turns into a witch after her 16th birthday. #AskaMatt

This is Garry Marshall's gift to mothers over 60. If you're younger than 60, please wait to go see Bad Moms, that movie is probably less racist. 

We took our own mother to see this and she still loves us in spite of it. 

Happy Mother's Day!

"Taylor Will Take You Home" - by Christian Grey 

There are some people who say that I don't have a heart at all. 
So is he your boyfriend?
I saw the way he was smiling at you.
I don't do the girlfriend thing.
Necrophilia's not my thing.
I had Taylor pick you up some clothes.
Yours were covered in vomit.
I don't do romance.
I'm not going to touch you until I have your written consent. 
It's called a flogger.
Not full time, just Friday through to Sunday.
You're biting your lip.
Hold out your wrists.
That's not really my thing.
Try not to get hung up on sleeping arrangements.
I was her submissive for six years.
But your body tells me something different.
Did you just roll your eyes at me?
Your biting your lip, you know what that does to me. Turn around.
When were you going to tell me about Georgia?
You're mine. All mine.
Understand?
I would never do anything to you that you couldn't handle.
Bend over. I'm going to hit you six times, and you're going to count with me.
Please don't hate me.
I'll send you a check. 

In this episode we go long and deep—which is more than we can say for Michael, Lionel, and Troy #lols. 
Friendship perseveres and this film grasps hard at what it means to be a woman. Listen to it 732 times...or light it on fire...but maybe at least listen to it once, first. #feelthebernie 

If you don't have a strong opinion about Eminem then you have a lot in common with Jenna Rink. Go back in time and then forward in time and then back in time and then to present day with us, your hosts, Helen and Valerie, in this fun wish fulfillment chick flick.  It will be fabuloso. 

In accord with this, arguably, too long movie — we present this, arguably, too long podcast episode. Also harmonious to the movie, there will be sisters and champagne. 

No one is going to Spice Force Five you to listen to this episode, but if you're looking to recommit yourself to girl power—this is prime opportunity. In this episode, Helen admits to "playing" Spice Girls as a child and I don't even tease her (don't even hear her). I'm favoring whichever scenario I come out looking like a better sister. 
Join us on our journey through time, chicas to the front---every boy and every girl---Spice Up Your Life. 

Our second episode is perfect for a drinking game. Here are the rules: 1) Drink every time I (Valerie) repeat what Helen has just said. 2) Drink every time Helen and Valerie achieve "one voice". 3) Drink every time I (Valerie) talk over Helen. But whatever you do...do not drink every time I (Valerie) say "in the book", because honestly, I just don't think you'll survive it—and we need listeners/love you. 

Every other week, Valerie and Helen will look at a different chick flick (muff film, broad comedy, lady thriller, period movie, whathaveyou) and boil it down to its themes and how those themes affect our tender feminine emotions.
Mostly we'll just go off on tangents about Sex and the City.
We'll talk about chick flick tropes, like love triangles/squares/pentagons and sisterhood. We'll explore just how strong girl power actually is and if real vampires sparkle in the sunlight, or if that's just movie magic. And we'll reveal our (Helen's) repressed sexual feelings for Hugh Grant.
We'll get a dude's opinion, and we'll even listen to it.